My Villain Arc

One of my weirdest facets is that I’m both polyamorous and demisexual. 

This shouldn’t work. It probably, in actual practice, won’t work, because for the past four years especially, anything even remotely resembling a crush has been shoved in the back of my brain under “things that genuinely do not matter because there is a child that needs something.” I also haven’t been physically around other adults properly since that point, and the other adults I’ve physically been around regularly have either been relatives or just. Not even remotely titillating for my tastes. And even if I’ve seen attractive people here or there, it takes a LONG time for me to develop the barest tinge of a crush because, look, you can look like Chris Hemsworth and show up wearing nothing but a sock or be a spitting image of Keira Knightley in a towel, but if I don’t actually know you, you’re just going to be getting cold standing there, you know what I mean?

I know my demisexuality is intrinsically tied with my autism because I mask so much that I know the persona even people who see me on a daily basis outside of my home experience isn’t as authentic as it can be. I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with masking; after all, it’s a survival skill of sorts, and even neurotypical people do it from time to time. BUT because I know that I’m not putting forth my most authentic self, I have no idea for a long time if other people are putting forth their most authentic selves and, if so, whether or not that authentic self is someone with whom I’d like to get horizontal. 

(plus you add in the chronic pain and the never ending exhaustion, and it’s like, look, I only have like half a spoon a season to dedicate to snu snu, and it’s spoken for at the moment)

Sometimes, I get in a self esteem rut and go poke around on something like OKCupid (a noted polyamorous spawn point), but that’s hard to do being demisexual because pretty much everyone there is ready to get down to business immediately, and the development of a crush or a relationship can’t be anything approaching organic because we’re all seemingly here with the primary purpose of finding someone to bump uglies with, so why play coy? Except I’m never playing coy; I just don’t really experience genuine sexual attraction towards someone–or really, if we want to split hairs, sexual desire towards someone–unless I know them fairly well and trust them, too. 

(there is, of course, the not unrelated experience on dating sites of thinking you’re getting to know someone who’s interested in you in a person and finding out that they just swiped on you because you’re fat and they have a feeder fetish)

(please laugh, I think it’s fucking hilarious)

Anyway, I’ve been digesting all of this for a while, mostly in silence because while I’m very open about being bisexual and demisexual, I’m notsomuch open about being polyamorous. That’s the one that ends up being a sticking point for people, at least largely due to it being weirdly taboo in our society. It’s one of those things that gets slung around when gross people get all up in arms about the LGBTQIA+ community, like “oh my god, they’re letting the gays marry, next people will get to marry more than one person,” and it’s like… well, yeah? If they’re all consenting adults, who even cares? 

When you tell people that you’re polyamorous, they tend to make a lot of assumptions, chief among them being that you’re an extremely promiscuous person. And if you are polyamorous and enthusiastically promiscuous, more power to you! Be safe and get down with your bad self! Just… that’s super not me. I am not that. 

Which then leads to an assumption that’s like, “oh, you’re just saying you’re polyamorous because your partner is polyamorous and they must have pressured you,” and while I’ve seen that happen, that’s also not true here. My husband did bring up the idea of polyamory to me, but it wasn’t because he was rarin’ to get it on with all sorts of people. He brought it up because he could see how I was struggling with the fact that I’d fallen in love with someone and was also still in love with him. He brought it up to me, said, “maybe this is you?” and my response was an eloquent, “well, shit.”

I view polyamory partly as a practice but also partly as an orientation, though it’s kind of askance when it comes to the queer community writ large (because, again, people tend to consider it this super taboo thing, which I wish were not the case). Orientation-wise, it simply means that I can love, genuinely love, more than one person at a time. No, I don’t know how it works either, but it’s been true my entire life. It was true back when I was a teenager, it was true throughout my young adulthood, and it’s true now. 

I don’t see my polyamory as a free pass to fuck whomever I want, whenever I want, consequences be damned. If anything, since realizing I’m polyamorous, I’m far more mindful of the emotions of everyone involved whenever I move towards flirting with someone or crushing on someone or anything along those lines. I’ve had to stop and take a serious look at my emotions and figure out where they’re coming from and whether or not they’re valid (because sometimes, jealousy is valid), and every step I take with someone romantically or sexually is done with consideration of that person’s situation and my own.

And I’m bisexual, so add that to the cake.

All of that combined is why I usually describe myself as “queer” when I’m in a new space, because it’s just a LOT to go through. I’m bisexual, but in order to unlock sexual attraction, you must first be at least a level 5 friend, though emotional attraction may unlock earlier. Also I’m married and polyamorous, which doesn’t mean it’s open season on my crotch, just that I find that my love tends to multiply, rarely like rabbits, more often like an elephant, with a gestational period of at least two years.

I’ve been thinking about all of this lately because, for the first time in four years, I have a crush.

I won’t go into details because I’m at the twelve-year-old girl phase of the thing where I’m like “I can’t let them know that I like them or I’m going to literally implode,” but suffice it to say that it’s very weird for me. My husband is aware and thinks it’s adorable how it makes me blush. I mostly just sit here parsing out like… why now, why do I have a crush on this person in particular, what about them is ringing my bell, after years of feeling like I don’t have a bell to be rung anymore.

(because, look, parenting three special needs kids is a lot, and I’m not going to go all autism mom martyr because fuck that noise, I love taking care of my kids, but it also leaves precious little time for me to have like. Emotions)

I have a crush, and not only that, but the other day, I actually felt sexy too, which hasn’t happened in even longer. I’m not the biggest fan of my own body, so I wasn’t expecting much when I tried on the new corset I got, but va-va-VOOM.

All peculiar. I still am demisexual, because this crush developed very slowly and is like. At best a crush, and I don’t know if I’d wanna smash either. And I’m not trying to be more sexual than I am, but at the same time…

I don’t know. I’m queer. That’s all I’ve got.